Authors: Dr. Abbie Maroño
Published: September 8, 2025
Imagine this: Your child spills their drink and bursts into tears. You say, “It’s not a big deal,” hoping to calm them down. Instead, the tears get louder. You try and get them to realize they are overreacting, but they just get even more upset. Moments like this can feel exhausting—why are they reacting so strongly to something so small? The truth is, children experience emotions differently from adults, and how we respond to their feelings shapes their emotional development in powerful ways. But this presents a delicate dilemma: how do we balance validating their feelings without reinforcing overreactions?
Why Are Emotions So Intense For Kids?
Children’s emotions feel bigger than ours because their brains are still developing. The part of the brain that helps regulate emotions and make rational decisions, the prefrontal cortex, isn’t fully developed until their mid-20s. Meanwhile, their amygdala—the brain’s fear and emotional center—is highly active. This imbalance means emotions hit them hard, and they don’t yet have the tools to calm themselves down or put their feelings into perspective.
On top of this, kids haven’t had years of life experience to help contextualize their emotions. What feels trivial to an adult might feel monumental to a child because, for them, it’s new and unfamiliar. This is why learning to regulate emotions—and understanding that their emotions are valid—is critical for their development. Indeed, research shows that emotional regulation in childhood predicts better mental health, stronger relationships, and even academic success later in life. Validation is the first step in teaching these skills.
Why Validation Matters
When we validate a child’s emotions, we send a powerful message: “Your feelings are real and important.” This doesn’t mean we agree with their reaction—it simply means we acknowledge it. For example, saying, “I see that you’re upset because you wanted the blue cup,” helps a child feel heard without feeding into the behavior.
Children who feel validated are more likely to develop resilience and confidence. They learn to process their emotions constructively, knowing it’s safe to express how they feel. Emotional validation also builds trust between children and caregivers, creating a foundation for a secure relationship. Empirical research highlights that children with emotionally supportive environments are better equipped to handle challenges as they grow.
On the other hand, dismissing a child’s emotions can have unintended consequences. When children hear phrases like “It’s not a big deal” or “Stop crying,” they may feel their emotions are wrong or unimportant. This can lead to them suppressing their feelings or acting out in bigger, more dramatic ways to get attention. Over time, consistent dismissal sends the message: “Your feelings don’t matter,” which can harm their self-esteem and make them hesitant to share their emotions in the future.
As such, it is probably no surprise that research shows that emotional invalidation in childhood is linked to difficulty regulating emotions, increased anxiety, and even feelings of shame. Instead of learning to manage their emotions, children may avoid expressing them altogether—or overcompensate with outbursts. By dismissing their feelings, we risk amplifying the very behaviors we’re trying to discourage.
What About Overreactions?
It’s true that kids often overreact. A small disappointment, like getting the “wrong” snack, can spark a meltdown that feels wildly disproportionate. As such, validating a child’s emotions in the middle of an overreaction can feel counterintuitive. After all, their response doesn’t match the situation. But it’s important to remember that we’re validating their feelings, not their behavior. Acknowledge their emotion first—“I see you’re really upset”—and then gently guide them toward calming down or problem-solving. This approach teaches children that while their feelings are valid, there are healthier ways to express and manage them.
Here’s the tricky part: How do you validate a child’s emotions without coddling them? It’s a delicate balance, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Every child is different, and what works for one might not work for another.
The key is separating acknowledgment from indulgence. Validating a child’s emotions doesn’t mean giving in to every demand. For example, if a child is upset because they didn’t get the blue cup, you can acknowledge their feelings without switching the cups. Say, “I can see you’re disappointed. It’s okay to feel that way, but the red cup will work just fine today.” This approach validates their emotions while gently reinforcing boundaries.
Teaching problem-solving is another way to strike this balance. After calming them down, help them think through solutions or coping strategies. For instance, if they’re frustrated about a toy not working, guide them through fixing it or asking for help. Research consistently shows that children who are taught to problem-solve develop greater emotional intelligence and independence over time.
It’s Okay To Get It Wrong
No parent or caregiver gets this right all the time—and that’s okay. Even researchers agree (something researchers rarely do) that “good enough” parenting is what matters most. What children need is consistent effort, not perfection. There will be times when you’re tired or overwhelmed and say the wrong thing. What’s important is reflecting on those moments and trying again.
It’s also worth noting that every child is unique. Some are more sensitive, others more resilient, and what works for one might not resonate with another. The goal is to create a supportive environment where children feel heard and safe to express themselves, even if the process isn’t perfect.
Helping children navigate their emotions is one of the toughest, and most rewarding, parts of caregiving. While their reactions may seem over the top, how we respond teaches them critical skills that will last a lifetime. By validating their feelings, guiding them toward solutions, and embracing imperfection along the way, we can help them grow into emotionally resilient adults.
So, the next time your child has what feels like a meltdown over nothing, take a deep breath. Remember: It’s not about the blue cup. It’s about helping them feel understood in a world that often feels too big for them to handle on their own.
References
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